Depressed – lightnessinthedark

How to Deal with Anger

How well do you deal with anger in your life?

I chose to blog about anger today because that’s pretty much the only thing my day has been filled with. Where does anger stem from? I don’t know about you, but I hate fighting. I hate drama. I really don’t like lashing out or hurting people; and I especially don’t like people saying mean things or giving me attitude either. I think today God has thrown me a curveball, to see how I could cope and deal with anger. And I gotta say, I’m not doing so well. (God never wants to see any of us upset or in pain or angry; but we have free will. That isn’t to say God “started” this argument; I believe as a Christian now, my reaction should have been more powerful than my anger did. And it left me feeling terrible)

I’m sure plenty of you deal with feeling angry sometimes too. How do you deal with it? In romantic relationships, in families, and friendships; it’s SOO hard. I do NOT like to create or have enemies; I was told to never burn bridges.

It’s SO easy to get angry, pissed off and frustrated. I wish I had dealt with it better today. I took the low road, but I’m still going to write about it. I’m not perfect. I know that. I also know I messed up. I don’t like the feeling I get after fighting with something or doing something spiteful; the enemy loves it.

FYI..Text messages are forever, I know, but we always forget right? So much gets misconstrued through texts, which is sadly how most of us communicate with one another. I saw RED today, and instead of seeking God and asking for comfort, asking Him to take away my anger and rage, I went full force on texts back. And yeah, in the moment it felt great. HA HA to the person who wronged me over and over. An eye for an eye.

But in Matthew (5:38-42), Jesus says, “Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.”

Easier said than done? Absolutely. But taking the higher road feels amazing. I remember the last time I forgave someone for doing something absolutely horrific to me (specifically, beating me up at a bar). I could have pressed charges; ruined her potential career future; instead I talked to God about the situation and He turned my heart. I forgave her; and she couldn’t comprehend it. Humans aren’t used to Godly ways; we are used to hatred and sin.

We are all brothers and sisters, meant to love each other. Instead, our world is so full of hatred. I don’t do well with sarcasm or people who hate on others; I enjoy kindness and genuine people.

For about an hour of my day today, which felt like most of it, was filled with ANGER. and HATRED. and DISGUST. and RAGE. towards the two people in my group message; my roommates until I leave for California. One was my best friend prior to a horrible night back in February when she left me abandoned in the snow, bruised and bleeding. That night, I forgave her, but I still have never been able to forget it or move past it. I’ve tried. But I don’t see that as a friend. I would have carried my friend home in that situation. I would’ve bent over backwards for them. Especially knowing how I suffer with depression and suicidal tendencies. But I know God will eventually release me of this memory and pain I still hold on to.

Back to original content of this post, the text messages from all 3 of us were just filled with spite. They are so angry and upset that I’m moving out of the apartment early; meanwhile I am doing my very best to find a friend of mine to take my room, and would cover my rent regardless of my moving in or out. Some “friends”, right? …Truth is, I actually feel sorry for them and their sad, shallow lives. For the Lord my God will protect me from all enemies, and one day, he will release his wrath on all those who are not for Him. And, that’s a wrap. I’ll let the All Powerful deal with them.

God is CALLING me to HIM. I am meant to go to California and Encounter Him. Learn more; learn to speak better to crowds; have my heart more open and vulnerable. This is my time. There is nothing here for me, and that is evident. I have been miserable, and this is a chance of a lifetime.

I know after my journey I will have new friends who share the same faith as me and have compassion, but until then, I have to ask God every single second in this apartment to help me. Help me with the tension, the attitudes, the NEGATIVE energy that is draining my Spirit.

I’m gonna write an update on this soon. The situation, the anger, all of it. This time, I’m going to try it God’s way; not the worldly sinful spiteful way. And I bet I won’t be upset and it won’t ruin my day next time.

Why is Being Worldly Considered Cool?

At 27-years-old, I partook in things the world and what American culture deemed to be “cool” or “normal.” Casual sex, getting drunk, trying drugs, etc. That hooking up culture, the whole “not caring” thing, being “too cool for school”.. Having an attitude, cursing people out, cutting people out of my life; putting on a facade on social media, making my life look soooo exciting and awesome on social media. Obsessing over likes; Obsessing over materialistic things JUST to get likes. Sound familiar? Yeah, this isn’t life. Trust me. Once you get a taste of real LIFE, you’ll never go back.

Reflecting back on my life, I don’t know why or how I ever thought that was okay. What most people don’t know is what comes from these things. Unhappiness. Depression. Anxiety. Fear. Unwanted pregnancies. STDs. Drug addiction. Alcohol addiction. Accidental overdoses. Having a reputation for something you don’t want to be known as; or maybe you did; maybe the attention is what you longed for. I know I did sometimes.

I have a long history of things I’ve tried, and done, but now I couldn’t be happier where I am. I was never a ‘true’ Christian. And there are days where small stupid satan rears his ugly head back in and whispers lies in my ears. Those days are the hardest for me as a new Christian.

There have been MANY times, God has saved me from suicide. I mean….. I’m still here. I don’t know how…. but my attempts never worked. Knowing God needs me here, and that He has a plan for my life, a job for me, keeps me in check.

My blog on perception vs perspective was insightful to me; I thought about patience. I need to wait. I need to learn. I can’t jump or run away the second satan comes near me. I need to call out to God. That’s the only way he’ll vanish. I need to remember that next time a day like yesterday rolls around.

I have lived in peace, love, and joy, that the world cannot provide, since becoming a Christian. I hate to say I’ve been slowly drifting back to where I was before. An excuse for church; an excuse for connect group; an excuse to read the Bible for just 5 minutes a day.

But I find myself so bored with all the time I have in a day. TV is really no longer a big interest of mine. I realized healthy hobbies are what I need: so I began playing basketball on Saturday mornings, biking, and getting out of my comfort zone.

What I will say to new Christians like I recently was– is take the next step. Majority of new Believers get sucked back into old ways and habits; I slowly was. Get out of your comfort zone!!! I finally decided I’m going to try it God’s way, and go to California for a few months. I’m going to be staying at a camp-like place where you have daily lessons on the Bible, learn more how to pray and Encounter the Lord, and further your spiritual gifts. I CAN’T wait!!!!!!! Being discipled and learning to be obedient to God isn’t gonna be easy, but NOTHING you’ll ever do can ever compare to how worth it it is. Get a taste of God, and you’ll want more forever, and he longs to give you more forever. How amazing is He?

Perception vs. Perspective

When I created my first blog, everyday I would rush home from work and write down all my thoughts and experiences of the day. I became obsessed; and it became overbearing. I would check google analytics and the stats on my phone constantly, looking for comments and views.

Eventually, my friends and family started reading it, which I was cool with. But then I thought, wouldn’t it just be awesome to write freely and anonymously? To speak open and honest and be real with myself; without judgement from anyone in my life?

I wasn’t sure what to blog about today since it was just your standard Friday post-work afternoon, but is there any feeling greater than that?!

Perception is the way we understand, comprehend, and perceive things. It’s also that part of you that has intuition.

Your attitude and point of view is your Perspective.

At first, I decided this post would be dedicated to compiling a list of my greatest achievements, challenges, mistakes, and failures that I’ve overcome. I recommend you try doing it too. It can spin a negative experience into a more positive and give you a fresher perspective.

I got off track, clearly, but ultimately, this post centers around perspective and perception; the differences and similarities. Your perception is shaped by your perspective. If you change your perspective, you can change your thoughts. Renewal of the mind is the first step to building your foundation in Christ Jesus. Plant the seeds. Then, they will need to be watered. If you continue to grow, you will produce good fruit (good trees only produce good fruit), the fruit of the Holy Spirit. Then, you will grow more in the Spirit- and that is when transformation happens. This is coming from the biggest skeptic, psychology major, who viewed “religion” as a crutch. (Little untold secret about Christianity….Being a Christian is actually the hardest, yet most rewarding decision, you will make in your life; To pick up your Cross and Follow Jesus. To die to yourself and deny yourself things you’re used to; you become transformed through the Holy Spirit (The Spirit of Jesus that He left for ALL!!!)

Your thoughts become your words; your words become actions; your actions become behavior; your behavior is who you are.

My mom told me this growing up, “What you say, you’ll have”. I think it’s so important to think positive. I’m not a happy-go-lucky person, (obviously), but I do believe being realistic but positive is the best way to think. Why think about the worst case scenario? Although that is what our brain is trained to do (fight or flight reflex), it never happens. Never.

Even if you have to fake it at first, it slowly changes your perception of things. Your perspective on life can then change as well.

In terms of my achievements, I don’t compare to anybody in my family. I’m not an athlete; I’m not a genius; I don’t make millions of dollars and I don’t have the life of the party personality. Majority of my life, I felt like the black sheep looking in. Ivy leaguers, news anchors, google software engineers, Wall Street traders, owners of businesses and non-profits; I’m just your average person. But throughout the last two months I’ve grown to believe I’m more than that. And so are you. Nobody is average unless they want to be and settle to be. Everyone has an interesting life, no matter what your story is. And you know what? What defines identity? Not your looks, not your job, not your religion, not where you live, not your career success: These things do not tell me WHO you ARE. So…knowing your identity in Christ Jesus is the most important thing you will learn. For me, it was a massive challenge, to change the way I saw myself, to slowly learn to love myself, and it’s still a work in progress. Consistently renewing my mind, knowing WHO God is, all good, all loving, gentle, caring, never demanding, yet sovereign, all powerful, knowing He sent His only Son as a sacrifice to us, that is how much he lives us. For God created us, sin separated us, and God loved us so much that Jesus died for our sins so we could live forever with Him and the Father, in perfect peace and harmony, the way God intended life to be.

So, back to the original question, I have learned that when you come to a certain age, which is different for everyone, you mature. For me, when I turned 25, I was tired of the whole partying/ hooking up/drinking scene. I couldn’t stand people who “just wished they could go back to college.”

Life is more than that. It’s the sum of your life, experiences, relationships, love, lessons learnt, dreams… I don’t regret things. I used to, but there’s no point. What’s done is done, and there can always be a lesson learned from a mistake.

Not having protected sex leads to either an STD or a pregnancy; it’s like playing Russian roulette. I learned the hard way. At 21 I had an abortion. Something inside me knew it was a boy; I can’t wait to meet him in Heaven. I love him so much and all I want to do is be with him and apologize and say how sorry I am.

I used to cut; sometimes the thought will cross my mind when I’m really in a crisis mode. But cutting yourself as a cry for help isn’t beneficial; you live with those scars forever. And sometimes, it can scare people off….. Big time. I don’t remember the last day I went without wearing coverup on my wrists, thighs, and wearing massive bracelets or long sleeves. But I don’t regret it, because I might not be here today had I not cried out for help. From God.

If your perspective on life is that it sucks, it’s boring, it’s a tiring routine, depressing, etc., then you’re not thinking clear. I promise, because I was you. Just trying to make it by, day by day. Do you wanna live just getting by? No–you want to live happy–and I didn’t even know what being “happy” meant.

If you’ve hit rock bottom, you can only go up. I challenge you to change your perspective. Give God a chance. Your life will be forever shaken, in the most supernatural, amazing way, that is just for you. Why not just say, “God, if you’re real, please show me. I am seeking you.” If you mean it truly in your heart.. “Whoever seeks Him, shall find Him.”